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Millionaire Martial Arts Master Stick Figure Fight (takes awhile to download) Some Martial Arts Quotes
You've been in the Martial Arts Too Long When... Iron Crotch Kung Fu Minor Martial Arts Dictionary
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Millionaire MA Master

A millionaire Martial Arts Master always had a party every year for his new Black Belts to challenge them. As they were gathered around the huge swimming pool the master said, "This pool is filled with man-eating sharks; anyone brave enough to jump in and swim all the way across can have one of three things: my lovely daughter in marriage, half my liquid cash or all my oil wells." Just then he heard a loud splash and turned to see a young Black Belt swimming frantically across the pool and coming out the other side with only torn clothing. "Amazing", he said, "you're the first one to ever try it. What do you want...

"My daughter?"

"No", replied the student.

The master so proud to have trained such a humble student, "Half my liquid cash?"

"No", he replied.

"Ahh, then all my oil wells?"

"No", replied the student.

"Then what do you want, tell me and it shall be yours." the master asked.

The young man replied, "I want to know who the Hell pushed me in the pool!"

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You Know You've Been In the Martial Arts Too Long When...

* you say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think
I can kick in them."

* when you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.

* you go to the shoe store to try on shoes.

* Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice pivoting, sweeps, stances and kicks.

* You check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking surface and
whether it protects the toes well

* and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the other
patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue)

* Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder: 'Is that
structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.

* When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick it in anger
and _damage_ it.

* "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."

* "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my
arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."

* when you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down the highway,
notice someone in another car staring at you, and suddenly turn your block
into vigorously fanning away an imaginary fly

* when you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;

* don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches

* open and close doors with spinning kicks

* find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves with the plastic knives
at the fast food place

* can't walk by anybody else from your school without casually exchanging a
flurry of mock strikes and kicks

* haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody walking around with a
blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their vital spots

* leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu",
"Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home

* deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you can leap
to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie, out in the
parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're at class

* find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your pencil
during dull meetings

* try to back fist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator,
based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough
to see it

* notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your

* tend to keep at least one flavor of martial arts weapon close at hand by
your bed when you sleep

* buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have steel toes

* have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and end the
fight by saying something *so* cool that you make Arnold Shwarzenegger and
Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes

* have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy homicide when,
directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts, they immediately
ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"

* Urge to bow every time I enter or leave a room? Uh, not anymore,

* I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei' with
fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!' instead of

* When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance from your art

* When you bow going into and out of the bathroom

* When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.

* When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.

* Whenever you see some wood or concrete, even things like stools or
tables, and get excited while you picture just how you would go about
breaking it. Then you get funny looks as you feel it and give it a look of
hard concentration, then maybe measure off a few times.

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Iron Crotch Kung Fu

Someone write this to me, and you can see what my response was. The scary part of the following is that what he wrote to me is true, and used to be practiced.

I don't know if you've heard of this but here goes.

Iron Crotch Kung Fu ( I swear I heard this on TV during a demonstration of Kung Fu)

1 Find a large heavy rock
2 Place rock on a near by wall
3 Tie a leather thong (rope) securely around the rock
4 Tie the other end of the rope around your scrotum
5 Assume a horse riding stance and walk backwards pulling the rock off the wall and let swing

The scary thing here is that this is a true thing---this sort of thing used to be one of the "tests" given by the Shaolin priests to gauge your chi.


Personally, I think what it REALLY was had to do with the fact that the older priests were tired of having to deal with the high testosterone levels of the younger initiates, so they devised this "test". After doing that a couple of times, testosterone is something your body simply won't produce anymore. Ta-da! Instant serene monk, without that pesky testosterone-based macho attitude.


It's supposed to show your would-be attacker that you are impervious to pain. This is definately the case but I'm not sure how practical this would be in a fight. It also shows your attacker you are as thick as a plank.

Strong, tough---and not much for brains. :)

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Some Martial Arts Quotes...

These are meant in fun, so don't take offense. And they ARE funny...


* Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums

* Aikido: Origami with people

* Jiu-jitsu: people who fold your laundry for you----while you are still wearing it.

* Tai Chi: martial art overdosed on valium...

* The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack.... in most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity. :^)

* Someone once told me my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting NFL replays.

* I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just like standing still, only faster.

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Minor Martial Arts Dictionary

A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.

"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

A stick.

A stick that looks like a sword.

A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate Asia with statues of short fat bald men.

A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.

"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

A sharp metal stick.

A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??

Kuk Sool Won:
A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.

Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together.

The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.

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