Here you can find funny things related to the martial arts; one way or another. If you would like to submit just send an email with Jokes in the subject line.
|Top 13 Signs You're in the Wrong MA School||Stick Figure Fight (takes awhile to download)||Humor #1|
|Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt||Personal Safety Tips||Humor #2||Talking Dog?||Devil vs. Lord in Judo tournament||Why Can Judo be Better than Sex|
|Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts||The Differences between Taekwondo & Sex||Karate Boja|
The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School
Your studio's symbol is a bulls-eye target.
12> First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
11> Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.
10> The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
9> The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
8> The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
7> Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.
6> Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
5> Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
4> Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"
3> You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.
2> Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...
1> Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?
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Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt (copyrighted by Neil Olenkamp, JudoInfo.com, used with permission)
before testing for this rank any experienced Taekwondo teacher should have
already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojang (Training Hall): The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the pads.
Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojang pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous high kick without injury.
Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when a student has been beaten senseless.
Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
Instructor's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojang open.
Further requirements: Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
Must be able to make up meaningless Zen sayings on the spot.
Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
Must be able to change into a dobuk in a phone booth at any given moment.
Must be able to sing Karaoke.
Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.
Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
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PERSONAL SAFETY TIPS
by The Onion...
In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:
Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.
Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.
Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a friend or coworker to accompany you.
When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
In the event that you are mugged, switch immediately from Democrat to Republican.
Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.
Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"
Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."
Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!
If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured most prominently on the movie poster.
Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.
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man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that
dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"And what kind of sport is Judo?"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said
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Devil vs. Lord in Judo tournament
Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord
proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura
and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."
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Why Judo Can be Better than Sex? (copyrighted by Neil Ohlenkamp, JudoInfo.com, and is used with permission)
can do judo as much or as little as you want, you get to decide.
You can count on it at least 4 times a week.
In judo you don't have to compliment the other person on their new uniform.
In judo, you can play with the same people every day for a year and it's never the same twice.
You don't have to buy the other person dinner to get a partner.
In judo you don't feel guilty about winning the ugly ones.
After an unusually long and difficult judo class you can still ride your bike home.
In a judo match you only have a few minutes before you have to climax.
If you get all scratched up in a judo match, you can brag about it to your wife.
The goal in judo is to stay erect as long as you can.
You don't mind if your parents come to watch you in judo.
People cheer when you score.
You can score without any foreplay.
In a good weekend of judo you can go with 6 or 7 different people and it only costs you twenty bucks and you may get a prize at the end.
In judo the other person has to pay attention throughout, even if they're done scoring.
Scoring on the wrong competitor won't get you shot.
You can be pretty certain that nine months after a judo match the other guy's lawyers won't call, asking for half of your pre-tax income for the next eighteen years.
The other guy will probably not invite you to the ballet.
The other competitor doesn't demand that you shave before the match.
You have a coach to tell you when to enter, when to drive, and when to get up again.
In judo you have a referee who makes sure the other person is safe so you don't need protection.
If you don't score in a judo match, the other guy doesn't ask you if you've had that problem often.
You can grapple with everyone in class the same night.
In judo you have to practice all the positions, not just the one you like.
In judo the other person can't stall or refuse to engage
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Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts.
1.The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
2.The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
3.You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
4.The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
5.The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
6.If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
7.After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
8.After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
9.In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
10.No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
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The Differences between Taekwondo and Sex
Even ugly Taekwondo-in score
In Taekwondo you have a instructor to tell you what you're doing wrong, and you get to practice first before trying it out for real.
You can practice Taekwondo with strangers without getting a bad reputation and you don't have to spend $30 in the bar getting to know them first.
You are not being insulting if you insist that your Taekwondo partner wear protective gear.
No one expects a Taekwondo bout to last much longer than two minutes and you don't have to worry afterwards if the other Taekwondo-in enjoyed it or not.
In Taekwondo you don't have to get your own equipment until you decide whether or not you like it.
You usually practice Taekwondo in a big, brightly lit room with lots of people in it.
The person you're practicing Taekwondo with won't mind if your buddies stand around and cheer for you.
It doesn't hurt if someone steps on your bo.
It is almost impossible to catch a disease from a bo.
You can play with your bo in public and no one will laugh.
No one cares how long your weapon is, and if it breaks you just go get a new one.
It is easy to get pretty girls to hold on to your weapon.
Finally, and perhaps most significantly, in Taekwondo if your opponent doesn't come, you win.
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Everyday as he was walking home from work this unfortunate Boaj* would get stopped by three nasty men who would then beat him up and steal his money. Finally, the Boaj decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and also to start taking some self-defense classes so to insure this wouldn't happen any more. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well in defending himself. So, one day, on the way home from work the Boaj took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon the Boaj went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened. "Well," explained the Boaj, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who have been stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
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