The Journal of the Association of Future Philosophers

The Early Weed

This is the Weed Talking

Hiroshima and Nagasaki:
Evaluate All Sides Before Judging
by Weed Boctor, 7-14-1998

     On August 6, 1945, a terrorist hate group atomic bombed babies in Hiroshima. The United States government, headquartered in Washington, D.C., claimed responsibility for the bombing.
     The terrorists struck again three days later when they nuked babies in Nagasaki. The same terrorist hate group claimed responsibility. The vast majority of the American people are not part of government; therefore, they are innocent.
     While no ethics philosopher has produced an ethical theory that includes a conclusive theodicy of government, fairness requires giving careful thought to the best ethical arguments for the nuking of babies.
     Here are the top ten excuses why nuking babies does not imply the U.S. government is a terrorist hate group.
     10. Nuking babies is ethically OK because Hitler would have done the same thing had he gotten the bomb first. And isn’t Hitler the standard of ethical truth?
     9. U.S. government officials were really aiming at the munitions depot at the northeast corner of Nomura St. and Miyadi Ave.
     8. Instead of calling it ‘terrorism,’ government officials prefer to think of it as ‘post-birth abortions.’
     7. An atomic bomb is just government’s way of saying, “I love you.”
     6. If the U.S. government were a terrorist hate group, government school teachers would say so. After all, government officials don’t lie.
     5. Any innocent baby who might have died would go directly to heaven; and Christianity says going to heaven is a good thing.
     4. It was perfectly legal, wasn’t it?
     3. Nuking babies was a public-spirited, kind-hearted way of solving the overpopulation problem.
     2. Japanese children made themselves fair game when the kiddies bombed Pearl Harbor with their toy airplanes.
     And the number one excuse why nuking babies does not imply the U.S. government is a terrorist hate group -- 1. At the time, “Japs” was a term of endearment.

This editorial was first published in 1996.
Copyright © 1998, The Association of Future Philosophers. All rights reserved.

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